how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
