I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
