i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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