You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
