I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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