Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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