we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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