trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
