two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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