Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
