At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
