I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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