Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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