"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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