I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
