btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
