Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
