I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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