if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
