i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
