Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
