hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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