Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
