somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
