Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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