where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
