Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
