Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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