if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
