There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
