Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
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He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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