Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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