Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
