I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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