Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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