How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
