Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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