I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
