I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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