I accidentally had phone sex last night
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
