i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
