if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
