Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
