I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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