What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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