Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
