i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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