i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
