I want you more than these girls want KFC
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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