i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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