Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
