I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
